marriage and divorce

Replies

By EL

Re: marriage and divorce
Tue 5 Aug 2008 23:41

Oh babe what a way to live eh, you didnt say what your disability is and how much help your wife gives you to care for your dad, sorry but she sounds like a right selfish c##(moo) you have lost your home, care for a disabled dad, have a disability yourself and all she can do is put the boot in when your down have no advice but giving you a big hug and just to say someone on here will set you in the right direction im sure cumon Kerry, Tricia you 2 are good ay this stuff

By Road Runner

Re: marriage and divorce
Wed 6 Aug 2008 00:00

i have diabetic neuropthy in both my legs and arms along with osteo arthritis in both knee and hands

The above leaves me in constant pain

My dad is a real fine guy though so it now roll reversal time

By EL

Re: marriage and divorce
Wed 6 Aug 2008 00:10

Aw bless you babe so sorry i cant be of any help

By morello

Re: marriage and divorce
Wed 6 Aug 2008 08:54

So sorry about your distress, it is difficult caring and being in pain yourself adds to it. Maybe people shouldnt tell you but I would tell your wife to go and take a break which will give you both time to think about your situation. It is only a matter of time before it all flares up again. I know because I was in a similar situation, and whilst now I feel lonely, I am not constantly stressed and there are worse things than being alone on your own, than being alone in a marriage.
I do hope things get sorted as this is only adding to your stress
Mo

By EL

Re: marriage and divorce
Wed 6 Aug 2008 09:54

Mo is so right

By mel

Re: marriage and divorce
Wed 6 Aug 2008 10:48

Its not good environment for you or for your dad either.

Don't put your dad into care if its not needed, but why not compromise, arrange for dad to go in for respite for a week, and arrange some kind of mediation during that week to help you and your wife talk about what you both want and how the caring responsibilities affect your marriage and any other things that need to be discussed. set an agenda of what you both want to talk about.

Lets face it, when there's problems in a marriage you're not going to talk it out yourselves and it will just end in arguements and making the situaiton worse no matter how hard you try to just talk. Look in the yellow pages for mediation centres, maybe try to go to them so you are both in a neutral environment, dont travel there or back together either, get some space before and after your talk.

You cant keep living in such a stressful situation, sounds like you have all been through so much especially with loosing the house, living somewhere you don't want to etc and maybe feeling a loss of control over the whole situation. Its just going to make your health worse.

By Road Runner

Re: marriage and divorce
Wed 6 Aug 2008 18:45

I am quite happy in the house and it suit us perfectly for dads need.

I spent all my saving on new carpet and so on and it looks great for us

My wife laughs at mediation and tell me dads got to go. and I should start looking to move 300 miles to Lincoln for no reason (no family ect) so a whim. Cant understand the reasoning as I don't have the money anymore

We are receiving the best health care ever although I miss my last doctor.

Sadly I am at stalemate as she has nowhere to go, hates dad and I am piggy in the middle although my father comes first.

By kerry.

Re: marriage and divorce
Wed 6 Aug 2008 21:04

Hiya RR, I dont know too much about this situation, BUT I am assuming you are in receipt of Income support/ DLA high rate or your dad is (or in your dads case its called attendance allowance)
If this is the case, then the benefits office have a different system for helping you pay the mortgage, (if not too late) its called the 8 to 18 rule.
What it means is that for the first 8 weeks the dss pay nowt towards your mortgage and the for the next ten weeks they pay about half, and then after that they pay pretty much all of it.

EG when i had mine paid (i have 2 boys on high rate) after 18 weeks they paid about 6 sevenths of the mortgage. I used topay a small fraction.

maybe a trip down the CAB or to your local benefits advisor would help, they can point you in the right direction.
Also you could get some general advice to make sure youre getting all youre entitled to.

As for your partner, well it is a sorry tale, but perhaps things have got on top of her too. maybe she needs a break to make her understand how good she has it, I dont know darlin.
My partner and I were splitting up recently but have managed to sort things out so far and will be going to relate (when we find time that is lol) but it was pretty rotten for a time, but that is cos of the stress we are all under as carers all the time.

do not move away at this time, everything is too unsettled and it wouldnt help you or your dad.
Take care and good luck.

By morello

Re: marriage and divorce
Thu 7 Aug 2008 09:26

If your wife doesnt want your dad around, then nothing you can do or say will change it. If she can be like this when you need support, then what is she like anyway. Certainly not worth adding to your problems. Tell her on her bike if she wont mediate, because it means she doesnt want to help and improve things. After all she is free to do as she likes , you like all carers are the one tied to the bedpost so to speak. Tell her mediate or go because thats what it will come to anyway believe me, have been there.
Mo

By Road Runner

Re: marriage and divorce
Thu 7 Aug 2008 10:02

Exactly I have made this council house a little palace and we have a nice garden for dad to sit when not raining and I have made ground floor bedroom right next to the disabled bathroom.

If I didn't have dad I would go (but the heath care here for dad and I is first class).

Problem is the social worker who filed the housing form in made us joint tenant and we are 4 month into the probationary year.

Went to the Alzheimer's clinic yesterday and dad was marvellous explaining how thing are at home (generally he automatically says all is fine ) they were very "don't know"

Then went onto CAB that were the same although saw me struggling like hell to get him around as didn't take wheelchair as only short walk at the hospital and the chair has a puncture.

So it seem I am stuck.

This would have been the first time in years I no longer needed to stress as looking after dad is a doddle but housing wise and business wise alway on edge.

Just not fair!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!