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Being bullied
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By SusanG
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Sun 28 Jun 2009 22:25
I really need to write this, if only to get it off my chest. My daughter and I have had a seriously tough time for years and though caring and supporting her is a privalege because she is so determined and sweet and eager to get better the lonliness, desertion and betrayal we experience with having lost our family is all too much.
My husband cleared off in 2004 after a "trial" seperation to see if he would cool his tempers, he went to the other side of the world seemingly emigrating with another woman leaving my dauhgter and I in debt and with no income. He returned 2 years later threatening to kick us out of the family home . I am on my second solicitor who also does not understand my daughter's condition and the struggles I have and is putting immense pressure on me to get out of the house when our doctor has told us both we are not well enough to move. I was taken by ambulance to hospital 2 weeks ago with stress though they thought I may have angina (it was my SVT and copmplete exhaustion) my solicitor is angered by this and wanting medical details to prove I went in. I got the hospital to write detailing my admission but he is not happy with that letter because it doesnt have enough detail. I am sorry, I am not making much sense, I am so run down, have 4 different infections and I really can't cope with solicitors anymore, I am terrified of my husband (we have been told he can legally break into the house) this has really caused so much stress to my daughter, we feel like prisoners in our own home. We both have to care for each other as I am so unwell and have hasd the stuffing knocked out of me. It seems my husband can abuse us even if we are unwell. Last year I did a petition and went to 10 Downing street to fight for people who are vulnerable as we were being mal treated then, things are even worse now and I am beside myself with worry. My daughter has come such a long way in her recovery and all this stress is setting her back and making me ill. My solicitor is ignoring that completely which scares me. My poor sister-in-law had this when she had breast cancer, whilst in hospital her husband managed to divorce her and was granted custody of her 3 children, the judge deeming her unworthy because of her cancer, it was the worst thing I ever heard, the worry and the fight for her was too much. She passed away aged 38. I know how ruthless lawyers can be and am seeing for myself, I hate talking to my solicitor about my health and my daughter's, he treats us as things, not people. I think carers and cared-fors should be treated more respectfully and if thier health is affected badly by pressure they should be allowed to have a break, I am not and I am not up to all this pressure but I don;t know how to be heard if he is ignoring a consultants letter. I am too tired to change solicitors again and to even think, I just want to sleep.
I hope this doesn't sound selfish or trivial, it's so hard to put into words but we are both shattered by the treatment we receive.
best wishes,
Sue x
Replies
- By fenlander
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Re: Being bullied
Sun 28 Jun 2009 23:07I am so sorry to read this. It never ceases to amaze me how inhumane human beings can be.
Your solicitor should be on your side and if not you should change them. You need support and without wanting to make a joke have you approached Social Services? They have never helped us but maybe they would intervene in this situation? Also have you been in touch with Citizens Advice? If you and your daughter truly are living in fear perhaps the police would help in preventing any force used against you.
I am sorry I am struggling to come up with anything else. If you left your home where is there you could go to?
Good luck - will be thinking of you and hoping it all sorts itself out.
Take care
fen xx
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By ena
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Re: Being bullied
Mon 29 Jun 2009 00:23This happened to me, husband moved out in 1995, disappeared altogether in 1997. Limped on till 2003, asked Social Services for help - it was the worst thing we ever did, our lives were ruined completely, nobody else could have done us that much damage. Vowed never to deal with them again. Sorry I can't say anything more positive but hope you can get help.
- By fenlander
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Re: Being bullied
Mon 29 Jun 2009 01:41Sorry I mentioned Social Services as our experiences are bad too. Its difficult to advise from a distance so I think you need to find direct support from somewhere and depending on what your greatest need is.
- By JTelfer
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Re: Being bullied
Mon 29 Jun 2009 11:09Hi SusanG
I am so sorry to learn of your appalling treatment and complete lack of support. On a practical level - and as Fenlander mentions - the Citizen Advice Bureau might be of benefit to you (with regards to your home at least) as you might be regarded as having a beneficial interest in the property. Some CAB have housing specialists on site who could advise you if this is the case. If your local bureau doesn't, then maybe you could contact Shelter - who are also housing specialists.
Above all, you need some type of advocate who can support you and fight on your behalf. I only wish I could offer more help.XXX
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By SusanG
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Re: Being bullied
Mon 29 Jun 2009 11:14Thank you fenlander and ena for your advice and for taking the time to write, I don't blame anyone for not coming up with an answer as it is practically impossible now. I have been through hell and high water and through every service I can think of repeatedly and they just pass the buck. I have been warned by many about social services and a friend's experiences tell me enough to make me want to give them a wide berth. I am supposed to visit my solicitor tomorrow and with my carers support worker tho I really am not up to and he is very clever at manipulating people to give the answer he wants. I can't bear that we live in fear like this and that no one gets what my husband has done to us and is doing now. he has shirked all responsibility and to be having a 2 year holiday in new zealand with a "mistress" while I was caring for my very sick daughter alone and without money seems that it is forgivable and irrelevent. My living in the family home, however is deemed an absolute crime despite not having anywhere to go that is secure. I need to be somewhere where my daughter doens't have to move again, the upheavel just once will be too much for her as it is.
She now has a piper alarm fitted so that she can call someone if her father tries to break in, it's demoralizing for us both to have to admit to our fears but we also have victim support fully recognising thje abuse we received from him and that he is very subtle and clever even now in continuing that. She said he is chipping away at an already broken woman and he will get what he wants in the end, I am terrified.
I am just so concerned for my daughter, she has severe pain all over her body and easily goes into painful cramps, she has intemse fatigue meaning she can't protect herself or "run for it" and many other symptoms, on top of that she has to cope with the persecution from her brothers and father that "there's nothing wrong with her" and the fear of her home being taken away and possibly broken into. It is unbearable for her and the fury I feel when I know just what she suffers. I am not an over protective mother but I will not see her being continually held back by unnessecary cruelty, I feel so powerless, I thought my petition last year and handing it to downing street may have opened the eyes of those who are concerned but it's an age of indifference I feel (other than on this great site where there are some good people who know what life is really like)
Thank you anyone who reads this babble...I don;t expect reponses, I am just venting!
love Sue
- By fenlander
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Re: Being bullied
Mon 29 Jun 2009 11:21I would have thought that your and your daughters needs would have to be provided for in any settlement but that may mean moving out of your home into your own home, maybe a smaller one. I would try to let go of the anger and resentment and try and focus on the practical issues of where you could live and what you need from the divorce to provide for that. Not easy but all of you need this terrible situation to end.#
Take care
Fen xx
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By kerry.
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Re: Being bullied
Mon 29 Jun 2009 11:53Susan, get in touch with Mencap NOW!
Thay have a list of solicitors who deal in special needs. That wont just mean mental illness but includes it. If it's another illness I'm sure that'll be included.Your solicitor sounds horrendous. How bloody dare he treat you like this. He is earning a great deal of money at your expence and is clearly not doing his job for which you employed him. Ditch the arrogant twonk now.
I cannot believe his lack of concern and support, even from a humanist point of view, never mind that he's earning a good wedge for it.
Google mencap, get the number, ring them, explain your circumstances and ask for their list for your area of solicitors who deal in special needs.
I'm sure they'll be more appropriate for you than this D head.
Grrrr I'd so love to have a little chat with him, put him firmly back in his place.
He is a service provider, you the user, he is not providing the service he's paid for. Remind him of that and dont let him bully you just cos he's got a bloody degree in law!
You've got a degree in real life mate, he clearly hasn't got a clue!
Sending you big hugs to you and your daughter.
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By ena
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Re: Being bullied
Mon 29 Jun 2009 12:29This really needs to be settled in court, I don't think any court would allow mother & daughter to be thrown out of their home. You also need an injunction to stop your husband contacting you or coming anywhere near you or your daughter, if he does call the police. I agree you need a different solicitor, you should do this asap. You can find the stregnth from somewhere, we are all routing for you.
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By carolm
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Re: Being bullied
Mon 29 Jun 2009 12:45You need another solicitor who listens to you and is clearly working for your best interests. The one you've got sounds like a nightmare!
It sounds very hard for you, and we're all on your side...
- By CHERYL THE PERIL
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Re: Being bullied
Mon 29 Jun 2009 13:13Hi SusanG
I think it could be worth you contacting Womens Aid.
Domestic abuse is not just about physical violence, I'm sure Wa would be able to direct you to a far more sympathetic soliciter than the one you have at present.
Cheryl x
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