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How to help my mum a carer
- By Mich75
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Sun 17 Aug 2008 08:51
Hi, Not sure if this is in the right part but here goes. My mum has been caring for my nanna for the past 3 years. My grandad died 16 years ago and for the first years nanna was happy on her own, joining different clubs going out. Gradually she became more and more a recluse althoug it took a while for us to realise this as mum lived about 2 hours away. One winter when we knew she was ill, we called and called and there was no answer. We rang the local police who went round to check whilst in nthe meantime mum and I jumped in the car and headed to nannas. The police called us halfway there and said nanna had answered but didn't look good. When we arrived we were heartbroken at what we found, in the space of a few weeks everything had changed, the house was a mess, nanna was a mess. We brought her to mums and after a visit to the hospital she was diagnosed with severe pneumonia. Mum decided then and there nanna was coming to her and she has been there ever since.
Gradually over the years she has worsened, she has had a stroke, been fitted with a pace maker and at least twice a week can barely get out of bed. She is on medication for her heart.
Mum has done everything she can to make her comfortable and happy, nanna has her own room exactly as she likes it, they have even built her a conservatory and put her own furniture in, this is the only room where she can smoke, at 83 she still smokes about 15 a day. Mum changed her job so she works from3 -11 and can be at home with nanna in the mornings. My step dad is home at 6 and looks after nanna, making her dinner and cups of tea.
The problem is my nanna has never "loved" my mum, I've watched mum run after her all my life and never seen nanna show her any love. Mum will do anything she can for her, they've taken her to australia to visit relatives, will spend a day at the bottom of manchester airport runway so nanna can plane watch, but nothing is ever good enough, she'll be happy for a while then accuse mum of leaving her alone. She hardly eats and when she falls out with mum she resfuses to eat anything and take her medication.
A few weeks ago my sister had a baby and is having a hard time so mum has been spenind a bit more time with my sister who lives about half hour away. Nanna has been threatening to leave, saying she is always alone, she wants to die etc etc.
My mum is at the end of her tether, she doesn't know what to do. The doc suggested nanna went to a home for a week to give mum a rest but mum refuses, she says it would kill nanna and I do believe her. Mum also has heart problems and I'm so worried about her, she is exhausted and the emotional blackmail my nanna is using is making her ill. I would love to help mum but I live 2000 miles away in Italy. This winter I visited for 3 months and "took over" the role of carer. I appreciate how hard it is, especially when I over heard her telling the neighbour how I hadn't fed her all day !!!
Where can mum get help ?? What help can she get ??
Thanks in advance for any advice and sorry for the long post !
Replies
- By Tricia
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Re: How to help my mum a carer
Sun 17 Aug 2008 11:04Hello Mich
Wished there was an easy solution to help your mum but with your nana being so demanding it won't be easy to do.
Ask your Mum if she has had a carers assessment done. This assessess your Mum's needs not your nana's. However, saying that it may be identified that carers need to come in to help your Mum with Nana. This could be done through direct payments. Direct Payments is where your Mum employes her own staff and has more control over what is done for your Nana rather than social services offering a service.
Also you could get your Mum to contact her local carers centre and ask to be registard with them and also if they offer a respite or outreach service this will give your Mum a break. A carers center's services are not means tested but services through social services such as direct payments will be means tested. (so unfair system espeically for those who have worked hard all their lives and saved many of them doing without holiday,s cars and for many they don't even own their own house but because they have saved up for their old age they will have to use that money to pay for services.......... really annoys me that does!)
If I can think of anything else will post it on here for you.
Oh which areas dose your Mother live in?
If no action is taken soon it may come to the point where your Mum needs carers brought in to look after her if her health goes down hill much more! And it will if she does not look after herself now because no one can go through a demanding 24/7 caring role and not end up with emotional mental and phsycial health problems eventually!
- By Mich75
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Re: How to help my mum a carer
Sun 17 Aug 2008 11:24Thankyou Tricia
I have been searching the net all morning and sent her a few links. My mum and nan are actually quite similiar in that they are both stubborn ! Mum is in Meresyside. Social services have been in touch with regards to assesing help for mum ie stairlift and such.
I'll read her your reply so maybe she will accept some help and stop trying to do everything by herself.
Thanks again
- By morello
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Re: How to help my mum a carer
Sun 17 Aug 2008 15:16Please be aware that if they put a stair lift in, then if anything goes wrong with it , then you are liable for what is very expensive repair costs, for which you get no help, and that applies to many things, I have been there and got the T shirt.
I ended up having to ask for a commode for my mom when she was alive as the stair lift didnt work , we couldnt afford to get it repaired and there was no way she could get upstairs in time. It would take us up to an hour to get her up there to bed at night. The whole system of help and care needs overhauling.
I am waiting after 18 months to have a catch repaired so I can lock my sisters window and restricters so she wouldnt push it open and fall out. Still waiting. I just leave a blind down and never open it so she is unaware of the fact,it opens. I suppose if she fell that would be my fault of course.
I have no social worker since the last one left, but find them all pretty useless anyway, but I have nobody to talk to, nobody to call in an emergency, no emergency number.
I have just waited 7 months for an appointment with a consultant for me and my direct payment carer let me down so I couldnt go. Yes she had a hospital appointment which she said they couldnt rearrange. I think she went away with her boyfriend ,because I have tried to call her all weekend and she is not answering, and I have to pay her. Another wonder of the Direct Payment scheme. Wish I could get over £200 a week and do 10 hours work. Silly me I get £70 and work 24/7. We may be caring but when does that become stupidity, this government are just taking the P--- out of us.
Mo
- By mag
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Re: How to help my mum a carer
Sun 17 Aug 2008 18:38Hello Mich
I am sure that your loving concern for your mum and nanna is a great comfort already and your wish to be more helpful is to be commended. Sadly in many families such concern in non-existent.
If you click on carers centre near you on the home page of this site you will find out whether there is a Carers Centre near your mum. If there is, that would be a good place to start as they would be able to give guidance regarding what help is available in that area and how to access that help.
Kind regards - Mag