Husband with bi-polar and ?dementia.

Replies

By thistle

Re: Husband with bi-polar and ?dementia.
Tue 4 Dec 2007 17:01

Hi, I'm new here too.

Some of what you've described really strikes a chord with me, my husband's behaviour is also very difficult to deal with, but he hasn't been diagnosed with bo-polar, just depression. I know just how you feel, regarding inappropriate comments, rudeness and being very loud, also the days and days retreated into a wall of silence just watching (or staring at) the same shows over and over on TV. My children are also in their late teens and find him very hard to deal with, so believe me, I know a little of how you feel. You're right, it's very hard being married to someone you barely know any more, and no-one wants to know you when you mention 'mental illness' of any kind, it's a worse conversation stopper than using the word cancer!!!!!!!!!!!!! We have no friends any more as he has alienated them all to the point where they regard me as some sort of sad case for putting up with him, and leave us to it. I can't offer you any advice, but I can offer you the reassurance that it's not just you out there! I tend to immerse myself in my hobby, my pets, and a lot of novels when the going gets too tough - particularly useful during the days-infront-of-the-tv times when I'm banned from even being in the same room as him as I breathe too loudly (I have a squeaky nose which is very annoying apparently). I don't know what works for you, but I find sometimes just going outside and staring out over the fields where I live helps me, and when I'm particularly frustrated with him, I tend to dig the garden and clean out the shed. The act of bashing soil with a spade, and lobbing boxes out onto the yard is very anger releasing.

I hope the CT scan results help you find some answers, and that the outcome is good news. I find constantly reminding myself 'my husband is ill. He isn't a monster. It's not his fault and he didn't ask for this' is a chant I say over and over to help me cope. Be strong (and go bash some soil!)

Thistle

By Annruth

Re: Husband with bi-polar and ?dementia.
Wed 5 Dec 2007 12:58

Thank-you so much for your reply. I am in tears writing this, the feeling of isolation is the hardest to deal with. I have also discovered that the garden can help - I don't know what I am doing usually but it is a great escape - unfortunately when we moved house a few months back he stripped the new greenhouse bare and I haven't had the heart to begin anything in the garden - hopefully I will when the sun shines! The escapism of reading also helps me - when he doesn't constantly interupt anyway! He is not aware of other people's needs most of the time, and monopolises everything - my daughter says it reminds her of a small impatient child constantly shouting or showing off for attention. - very wearing. My 13 year old is finding it increasingly difficult and I worry about the effect on her and the others. Thanks again, and if you ever need to unburden/talk to someone who may have an inkling of what you are feeling, feel free - am I allowed to give you my personal email address on here or not/ (don't want to break any rules now that I have found a bit of a life-line)? By the way, I am in Cardiff. Take care, and thanks x

By thistle

Re: Husband with bi-polar and ?dementia.
Wed 5 Dec 2007 14:54

I don't know whether we're allowed to give personal emails, as I'm new at this too. I'm in Derbyshire. Know what you mean about the greenhouse ditto. Mine has banned me from speaking now, due to the fact that he thinks I hate one of his children from a previous relationship as I've critisised the boy's idleness in the past. He has also decided that he wants nothing to do with my children and they must keep out of his sight. He has taken his entire allocation of tablets for the day whilst I was at work, and is now trying to convince me that I didn't leave him any out. I have to carry ALL his monthly issued medication around with me (and as he has 30 tablets each day you can imagine how big a bag that is!) as if I leave it where he can find it he tries to overdose. He's deliberately overdosed loads of times, and has hunted through the house in search of more tablets to take. My hiding places have become very inventive, and when I'm at work, so is the medication. I've tried cleaning the room he's living in, so now he's deliberately flicking fag ash on the floor where I've vacuumed and mopped. As you say, small children clamouring for attention. I feel so sorry for your 13 year old, on my daughter's 13th birthday my husband decided to kill himself (what a present eh?) he failed in the attempt and ended up being arrested for refusing to go with the ambulance crew who were attempting to help him. He then attacked the police and ended up locked in police cells once he was determined to be not in any danger of dying. I don't think my daughter has ever fully understood or come to terms with his actions, until that time he was a beloved 'daddy' to her. Now at almost 17 she is very cynical, distrusts men completely, and will not allow herself to get close to my husband at all any more, despite his attempts to be nice to her occasionally. He doesn't think he did anything wrong, and an apology for his actions is out of the question. It's wierd isn't it, to outsiders we say nothing, and no-one even imagines what goes on behind the doors of our homes. When I go into town to do my shopping, I watch all the couples, some old folks, some my age, and some young uns, all holding hands, pushing trolleys round the supermarket, doing their christmas shop, and it's very hard not to feel bitter and utterly alone isn't it? When we know we have to go home, to be greeted with not even a smile, let alone a hug or a kiss, just abuse, or silence, or anger. I take an old chunky jumper of his to bed with me at nights - he sleeps downstairs now - and I drape it round me, then if I try really hard, I can imagine it's his arms round me in the old way I used to find comforting. Sorry. rambled on too much. Will find out how we can exchange email addresses.

You're not alone.
Thistle

By Annruth

Re: Husband with bi-polar and ?dementia.
Wed 5 Dec 2007 15:20

Hi. So sorry you are having such a bad day. I am having silence today, which sounds ok but probably the build-up to something, I can feel the tension in the atmosphere. Had a long talk with my daughter ysterday (she is 23 and expecting her first baby) - she is worrying about the future for me and her younger brother and sisters and wanting me to walk away I think. Not sure how much longer I can put my kids through this to be honest, just hanging in hoping for SOMETHING from the scan. I think he has some form of progressive dementia . In a strange way the worst thing would be if they find nothing, then what do I do?! Please take care of yourself, and your children. Will be thinking of you x x

By Richmani

Re: Husband with bi-polar and ?dementia.
Thu 20 Dec 2007 21:14

Hi , Just read all the entries. My husband has had bi-polar all of our married life. He takes a cocktail of medication but that doesn't stop the mood swings totally. My kids have moved on except for the youngest who is home at weekends. Boy do I miss him and live from one weekend to the next. What will I do when he finally leaves? We're having the silent routine as well. Just got back from taking him Christmas shopping but spent 11/2 hours looking for him when he didn't follow me into a shop. Found him indulging himself in a bookshop oblivious to my distress. Yes we have no friends. Family is supportive but after so many years they too are fed up with it all. Mum has been my rock but she is now 80. What happens next? Lost my best friend to cancer 15 years ago and have never developed any other friendships. Who would want to be burdened with my lot?? Don't you just want to break free sometimes!! Had counselling and yes it helped identify my problems but I knew them anyway!! I reflect a lot. Tried a local carer organisation a few years ago. Hopeless, they only cater for carers who don't work!! but they still send a newsletter. There is absolutely no support that I have found for people like me. Does anyone know were I can get help. Just someone to talk to regularly. I guess caring for so long means I may have forgotten how to have fun!! Wish I could find a way. Don't I sound selfish!!

By Annruth

Re: Husband with bi-polar and ?dementia.
Sun 23 Dec 2007 08:14

No you don't sound selfish, just human! I guess this forum is where you can come to 'chat' - it's not the same as a cofee and face-to-face with a friend, but it's a start, just so you know there are others here who know what you are talking about. Bi-polar makes someone so hard to live with, and I know exactly what you mean about the difficulty in making friends. This week is quite difficult, not only Christmas but also the week of his brain scan results, so I may not be on here very much, but I hope you have some fun with your family (sometimes think I have forgotten how to, as well!) and keep positive. Take care, Ann x

By mag

Re: Husband with bi-polar and ?dementia.
Sun 23 Dec 2007 09:05

I have just been reading this thread and my heart goes out to you all in such difficult caring roles. Carers on this site are in many different situations but one of the things most of us experience is the loneliness and isolation caring brings.

I noticed that you wondered about placing your email address on this forum - the thing to do is click on "contact us" and let Michele know who you wish to contact, she will then contact that person and will confirm that is ok with them, then email addresses will be given . If you know, and have done this already, please ignore this - but accept my good wishes for "many helpful emails".

Kinf regards - Mag

By jorum

Re: Husband with bi-polar and ?dementia.
Thu 3 Jan 2008 07:04

Hi Annruth I would like to reply to your discussion, I am new on here and have Bipolar myself. My husband is in the same boat as you. There are signals that he can pick up with me. I have had the condition for many years and have just been diagnosed with it in the last 3 years and am on different medications and see a doctor every month to talk about things.

Maybe when he has had the scan they may refer him to a specialist like I have and they can talk with him.

By Annruth

Re: Husband with bi-polar and ?dementia.
Wed 30 Jan 2008 00:21

Hi Jorum. Thanks. My husband was seen by a consultant regularly for quite some time but some of his problems seem to be unrelated to the bipolar - there are changes and problems that are more recent/diffreent and therefore the psychiatrist erferred him for testing because he felt there may be an organic reason for some of the issues. They have now done a CT scan and ruled out tumours etc but now we are waiting to see another consultant. We are in Wales and after waiting over a year to see a neuropsychiatrist in Bristol we were refused funding - there is no neuropsychiatrist in Wales (!) and therefore we pin our hopes on psychiatrist and neurologist to come up with a diagnosis between them. I have trawled the internet and from that and what the docs say the best guess seems to be a dementia of some type. I would be interested to hear your experience of bipolar as he has problems explaining to me how he feels/reacts and although I can, as you say, pick up 'clues' it is not always easy to react in a way which helps! All the best, Ann

By ronr

Re: Husband with bi-polar and ?dementia.
Thu 12 Jun 2008 14:20

My father was sut diagnosed with similar conditinos. He lives alone since my mother passed away three years ago and has been diagnosed as manic depressive. Doctors also think he has some form of temporal lobe dementia. he keeps refereing to his past youth.