Guilt after my mum has gone into a nursing home

Replies

By mag

Re: Guilt after my mum has gone into a nursing home
Mon 12 Nov 2007 19:29

Dear Andy

When a loved one needs more care than is possible at home, it is one of the most upsetting decisions we shall ever have to make. I understand this as I remember when my mother had to go into a nursing home. I felt that I had let her down, that somehow I should have managed to do what was humanly impossible - and the guilt I think is an inevitable part of the experience for the Carer.

I would suggest that your mother will take longer than 2 months to settle in properly but little by little I expect that she will become happier with the situation. You live about a mile away so obviously you will be able to visit and gradually you will come to realise (although you really know already) that your mother is being well looked after - this in turn will help you with the feelings of guilt etc. You both need more time to adjust.

Kind regards - Mag

By Andy-wg

Re: Guilt after my mum has gone into a nursing home
Mon 12 Nov 2007 23:02

Dear Mag,

Thank you for your kind words,

It means a lot to me knowing that I am not alone and others have had the same experiences I am now having.

I pray that time will heal for both my mum and myself.

If anyone else cares to share their experiences please feel free to do so.

Once again Mag, THANK YOU XXX

By ValerieN

Re: Guilt after my mum has gone into a nursing home
Tue 13 Nov 2007 18:00

Hi Andy
I know how difficult this is for you, your family and your Mum. But this is the best for your Mum. They have the resources to help your Mum that you can never have no matter how much you want to. Give her lots of hugs and lots of love and make those visits and outings special times for all of you. I know how guilty you are feeling but honestly you have done the right thing. Give your Mum a big hug from all of us.
Regards ValerieN

By Andy-wg

Re: Guilt after my mum has gone into a nursing home
Wed 14 Nov 2007 09:36

Hello ValerieN,

A big thank you to you for you lovely kind words and I know what you have said is right, but its hard to see at the moment.

I miss her but do know I can go and see her whenever I want to now.

I pray that over time things will get easier and settle down.

A big THANK YOU to you XXX

By SPERANZA

Re: Guilt after my mum has gone into a nursing home
Mon 19 Nov 2007 18:42

Hi Andy,

I have a similar situation. My Dad is 89 and Mum is 84. Dad is currently in rehab. Before going into rehab he was in hospital a few weeks. Mum is his full time carer with the assistance of a care package. This has worked great for the past 4 years (dad is a twice mini stroke victim). He has now become so weak and mobility is at times impossible. He is receiving the best of therapy in the unit but the chances of him going back home are now getting slimmer and slimmer and I now have the saddest of tasks talking to Mum and trying to help her understand that she will probably not be able to care for Dad as she did. I have spoken to the Social Worker at the unit who is organizing a Case Conference. Dad fortunately, is "all there" bless him although sleeps a lot now and he will be included in our meeting with the staff (doctors, nurses, therapists, social worker) as he has to consent to going into a Nursing Home should the need arise. Imagine my dilemma? I adore my parents and understand only too well the heartache and trauma this will cause both of them should he be deemed unfit to return home. My darling Mum has done a grand job caring for him the past 4 years but I fear this will be coming to an end. She deserves a medal. 4 years ago when he was in rehab a nursing home was proposed but she refused.
You have been a good son, caring and loving. You will always be that person. Your Mum will come to terms with her new situation my dear Andy. Don't go on a guilt trip. Continue loving her as you do. G-d Bless.

By star66

Re: Guilt after my mum has gone into a nursing home
Mon 19 Nov 2007 22:40

Think your always going to feel guilty...whatever u do. Think its all part of the 'caring role'.
My story is slightly different...
My dad went into care nearly three yrs ago when he was 55 and I was 23. I live 60 miles away and there was no way I could care for him (had been in hosp for nearly 9 mths with memory loss secondary to Korsakoffs). He has no other family.He hated it in the care home initially. Cried when I left him after I visited every week and in turn I cried - and how guilty did i feel?. Then he settled down but always asked to go 'home'. But then he has no insight into his problems. Anyway social services decided earlier this year to move him into his own bungalow with a full care package seeing as he improved functionally in the care home. Fantastic. So now I don't have the guilt of putting him in care, I now have the guilt of him being at huge risk living by himself! I go down 1-2 times per wk, I do the finances (through the court of protection - and what a joy they are to be involved with! Not!), do the shopping, cleaning, laundry do all the other 'bits' no one else does. I still feel guilty. Now he is upset that he is by himself, that he doesn't get out unless its with me but refuses all additional help to go to groups, voluntary work etc because in his eyes he doesn't have a problem. He is never going to accept the situation because he has no insight and I have no doubt he will get worse as I have noticed a decline in the last few months. No doubt in the future he will be back in care.But when I ring the SW asking for help because I can't take the constant phonecalls, the arguments, or the fact the carers don't do what they are supposed to do, they don't do anything. But I guess in a way he has some freedom back (even if he can't see it) and I'm just been selfish because I want to know that he is safe, warm, he's eaten, had his meds, not blown the place up, not fallen and that I can miss a weekend visit every few months to go away/see my friends and not be thinking about him 24/7.
There is no book to tell u what to do or how to cope when a relative moves out of 24hr care!
Going back to the original post...
I agree though with the other posts, 2 mths isn't a long time and speaking from experience, it will take longer than that.
Sorry that wasn't very helpful, just having a bad nite.... hope the situation improves for u xx

By Andy-wg

Re: Guilt after my mum has gone into a nursing home
Sat 24 Nov 2007 11:12

Hello again,

Thanks to everyone who put a reply on this post,

You are all very kind and I realise it is going to be very hard for quite a while, both for me and my mum.

The only plus side is that she is doing well and making good progress.

If any other people care to reply please continue to do so.

God bless u all,

Thanks again,

Andy...