Day Care

Replies

By Kaz29

Re: Day Care
Wed 9 May 2007 21:01

Ann i can imagine how hard it is not being able to spend tiem with ur partner i am the same with my son who is 6. what if u went to the place ur mum was going to for a day care and see what she thinks she will change her mind if she sees other people there. as i think it would be a big step for Both of u. i think its ur mum thats been selfish not u. ur the carer so yes i think the break will do both of u good. i hope this helps. as i find it hard putting my own words down.

By Pysie

Re: Day Care
Wed 9 May 2007 22:50

Hi, Ann,

I have never been in your situation but I can imagine how you must feel. My own Mum resents my ex-husband visiting our home. I am sure there is an element of jeliousy involved - my attention for Mum versus my attention for my ex....... ..

Added to this, I can understand why your Mum seems so frightened that you might leave her. She would never cope alone and she thinks her life would be over. People who are elderly, ill and frightened of the future rarely give any thought to the lives of their carers.

However, you must make a life for yourself outside of your caring role. You have not been well yourself. Also, eleven years (did you say ELEVEN years?) is more than enough for your boyfriend to prove he loves you and wants to marry you. Is he prepared to take your Mum on board as part of the family - even in small doses?

I can't tell you what to do but, if I were in your situation, I would simply tell my Mum that I had met the man of my dreams and I was gong to get married. That should shift the goal-posts and give her something special to look forward to. Every mother looks forward to her own daughters wedding! Indeed, you could remind her of her own courting days and assure her she will still be part of a growing and supportive famly.

In the next breath I would tell her that I had organised some special support for her, and I would say I had done it because I loved her and I wanted to make sure she had someone special to look after her while I took time out to see my fiance.

I don't know if this will work for your Mum. All I know is that you sound a lovely dedicated daughter and you deserve a life of your own away from caring. Take up the offer of the MacMillan nurses - and don't let Mum jeopordise the offer - and ask Social Services what more support you can get. You are certainly not selfish in epxecting support.

Love,
Pysie xx

 

By AnnB

Re: Day Care
Wed 9 May 2007 23:56

Thanks for your replies. I agree with everything you have both said. I used to attend the hospice myself when I was going through chemo and they were absolutely wonderful.

She tries to cause problems between myself and my boyfriend and I think this is like you say worry in case I do go off and get married. We just keep saying after all the toils we have earned some special times together and hope the future will bring us a better way of life.

I live with my mum in her house, she phoned me when my father was ill saying she couldnt manage him so I went to stay with them for a few weeks, that was 12 years ago, I gave up my own home because my mother took ill whilst my father was in his last days so I realised my caring role was going to be with my mum. I know she would still treat my boyfriend as an outsider in her home even though he has been very kind to her and looks out for her best interests too.

There were times when I was having my chemo on a Wednesday and then having to take my mum for a full days treatment on a Friday to a different hospital so I never had time to be ill myself, but things have caught up on me and I am now physically and emotionally drained.

Tonight has been awful, I feel like I am being emotionally blackmailed not to include social services and the Macmillan nurse in her care but after all this time its obvious I would be asking for additional help if I didnt need it.

Thanks for listening to my grumbles I think I'll have to stick to my guns on this I am only trying to make sure she receives all the best possible care for her with the terrible illness she has.

love Ann xx

By meg mackenzie

Re: Day Care
Thu 10 May 2007 11:04

My dad resisted day care like he was being returned to a prison camp.
We were invited to lunch one day......dad went because he had already been out to the GP and there was going to be no lunch at home, so daycare it was. He enjoyed it so much I left him for the afternoon and fetched him home at 4pm. He now goes three days a week and is on the waiting list for the other two days.

Good luck....put your foot down with a heavy hand.

Take care and keep us posted
Meg

By liz-39

Re: Day Care
Thu 10 May 2007 11:53

i agree with what has alredy been said, you need a break
cajole, bribe -whatever to persaude your mom to give it a go.
like Meg said bout her Dad, she may be supprised once she gets there and really enjoy herself. When she realises you not trying to push her away maybe it will be better/easier for both of you.

i dont have any experience in this kind of situation as my caring is for my two disabled lads, so just a thought, good luck and take care

By graham

Re: Day Care
Thu 10 May 2007 15:31

Hello AnnB.....
I entirely agree with what Meg said on this ' Put your foot down with a heavy hand ' & do it now. This is not the time for any 'Nannying around'..........You are entitled to & deserve a bit of life yourself & you must go for it before it is too late. I care for my 92 year old Mother & I believe I have some grasp of how you feel. With my kindest regards, Graham.

By AnnB

Re: Day Care
Fri 11 May 2007 07:07

Thanks everyone, it certainly makes me feel a whole lot better to know its not just me being selfish
Im just plodding on with arranging the day visit and hope Mum will enjoy it when she gets there. cheers Ann

By jessie darcy

Re: Day Care
Fri 11 May 2007 17:36

i am a care for my partener,my mother is also a carer for my nan(15 years ) she just recently got a private carer in for one hour a day,it lasted 2 days and my nan told her to get out on no uncertain terms ,my mum was deverstaded ,my nan is 96,my mum is 72;what do you do.
jessie darcy